Feminism Really Does Need Moms, Though
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I think I might be lost!
We spent the past year getting used to being at home. Many lost their jobs, or quit to take care of the kids. Many more soldiered on, playing Mom, Wife and Worker on a single, ramshackle set. Meanwhile, Joe Biden executive-ordered us out of legal existence.
Adding insult to injury, #NotAllMen refuses to go away.
The response #TooManyWomen was pretty satisfying, but it exposed some confusion in the feminist conversation.
How Many Men?
“No one is saying that it’s all men,“ wrote one commenter, “so we don’t need to say ‘not all men.’“
But I have seen plenty of women saying this. Some of them are pretty casual about it, even labeling themselves misandrist in so many words. How exactly one side is unaware of the other I’m really not sure.
Out of one side of our mouths, we bitch about all the handmaidens and how brainwashed they must be. Then we meet suggestions for broad action with disdain and male-bashing out the other.
I get it, of course. It’s not hard to understand how rage pickles into bitterness. It would be so easy to hate men, the mind reeling from trauma lurches for easy categorization. I’ve been screwed with and over by my fair share.
But cultivating personal agency isn’t victim-blaming.
Maybe you’re familiar, but I recently heard that when you’re pointing the finger at someone, three fingers point right back at you. Women have our own role in things. When we own that is when things begin to change.
#TooManyPeople Have Victim Complexes
If you carry that common female bitterness, what happens if you do have a son? How many disinterested moms sow fertile ground for anger towards women? Sad to say I have known a few.
I’ve seen it said that all violence is committed by men, who are soulless, callous beasts. Really. And there’s no point in trying to get through to beasts.
But you love an eye for an eye, remember? Don’t be so dramatic!
And they will play into it – Imagine having a Get Out of Jail Free card, and the temptation to use it! Patriarchy’s pandering has made men weak-willed.
But let’s remember how they love to brag about their accomplishments! With all their crowing, they don't get to turn around and pretend to be stupid.
Seems to me most men are pretty badly mentally ill. Suppressing 90% of your emotions will do that to a person. I don't see how we can just demand that every individual get better. One thing about mental illness is you often don't realize you have it. And when so much of your world is similar, it's easy to miss just how fucked up it all is.
Which is not to excuse them, but are we actually trying to solve anything? Or are we just riffing here?
This is important because, lest we forget, most women are straight! And most of us will have kids.
Mommy Blogs Or Marx?
Regardless, I'm pretty tired of this fantasy of a woman-only world. Women-only groups? Camps? Businesses? Hell yeah!
But a woman-only world would be unsustainable. It would make our lives easier and solve nothing.
As a straight woman, I have dealt with this stuff for years. The only workable solution I have come up with is to insist they behave like human beings.
I'll call them out, and if they don't get with the program they will be without my company. Simple as that.
On the other hand, I’m American and kind of a bitch. I understand this approach may not work for everyone.
I have worked hard to teach my sons empathy since they were little. Empathy and boundaries. This includes helping them establish their own. I have a theory they go hand-in-hand. Reaching out to others requires a place to reach from.
Don’t make me go in there, it’s a disgusting mess!
But it’s easy to preach parenting generalities. I have seen so many mothers either deep in patriarchy, too stressed to think straight, or both. Feminism has left mothers unsupported for ages, leaving it to conservatives to indoctrinate the next generation.
That sure is going well!
This seems to be an unpopular opinion. Marxists are the only ones talking about how childbearing is still a huge burden on us. Their solution, however, is to take our children from us. The ‘nuclear family’ is just a prison! You should be free… to work for the State!
I support separatists, but it's just not feasible for all of us. And I’m not sure either option supports the future of the species.
Amazingly, I still have yet to find an alternative that isn't brutally destructive to current structures. Replacing one form of cruelty with another isn’t progress.
I’m Tired of Complaining! What Can We Do??
It's a high hill to climb, but I refuse to give up on my sexuality or the future of humanity. Women have to pull together and demand better. Teach our sons better.
Pick our mates better. Female Dating Strategy is so important and, frankly, revolutionary in their determination to serve women's best interests instead of just telling us how to get men. This is exactly the kind of thing we need. A lot of those women will go on to be mothers and raise their kids with the ideas and attitudes that have succeeded for them.
Thanks for the illumination, sister!
We have to think about this on a long timescale. Your friendly neighborhood misogynist won't live forever.
These kinds of attitudes don't change overnight, but look at what's already been done! Remember, just 150 years ago it was commonly accepted in our society that educating girls was a waste of time. Now we outnumber them in higher education.
The pushback is so strong because we have come so far! Our granddaughters deserve the opportunity to build on this legacy. We can't let our leg of the relay be remembered as a giant backslide.
Mother As Leader
I think activating this quick route to real change would send feminism into overdrive. Every successful ideology in history has known you have to get them while they’re young! Why not leverage this for good for once??
While the conscious mind may rebel against what we were taught, we all know how pernicious the messages implanted during early childhood are. The man may build the house, but his mother is responsible for the foundation. Certain attitudes ingrained in childhood never leave us.
Men need to care. We like to forget that we can't really do this Humanity thing without them.
But I keep being told mothers aren’t that important. A mental block seems to stop us from seeing Mother and Child clearly.
Everyone has a mother, even men. She is almost everyone's first teacher and has an opportunity to shape the mind of a child like no one else. How exactly this isn't a potential operative over every male born I just don't understand.
Science keeps telling us how vital early experiences are. Viewed through a feminist lens, this is an amazing opportunity. We should do everything we can to give them empathy and boundaries. It might not be all men, but it could definitely be fewer!
And I’m gonna keep poking at this, because I think it's inevitable – Feminism can only ignore the keystone of women's oppression for so long.
Good post. I've often thought of the classic, The Mermaid and the Minotaur by Dorothy Dinnerstein. She makes the argument that one strong root of misogyny among men (and women) is that their mothers are so disrespected within the family and within society--and yet their mother is the one that loves them the most. So the male children and the female children try to distance themselves from women. In the male, it turns into frank misogyny. In the female, it turns into self-loathing. What if we lived in a world where being a mother was like being a Purple Heart recipient? What if it was the most amazing thing to do, and not the most banal? What if you couldn't be a top leader unless you had been a mother? If we were in that alternate universe, could misogyny exist?